


Love you (till you're seeing stars and stripes)

by gunboots



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Crack, HARD, I blame Twitter, M/M, Multi, That's it, aomine just wants to hit that d, everyone is crazy and kagami is doomed, fade to black depictions of sex, kagami just wants to pay for student loans ok, magic mike au except not really, male stripper au, so much crack, that's the fic, warning: aomine, wow am i kicked out of fandom yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-23
Updated: 2014-03-23
Packaged: 2018-01-16 19:18:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1358887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gunboots/pseuds/gunboots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aomine later claims that he was flirting, Kagami champions that it was harassment that eventually wore him down.</p><p>Kuroko translates it as Aomine wearing Kagami down with his presence. It's Aomine's form of flirting.  </p><p>a.k.a: the one where Aomine, Kagami, and friends work in a strip club and have crazy shenanigans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love you (till you're seeing stars and stripes)

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, so I never actually thought I'd publish this thing, I'm already sorry. If you want anyone to blame [Kae](http://kaeilash.tumblr.com/). I literally came up with this fic on twitter a while ago, then because of issues/reasons I was going to delete but then _certain people_ kept bugging me and then it just kind of snowballed from there 8k in words later here we are. I'm basically sorry for all of this, it's not actually accurate to anything about being a male stripper in Japan, so please take this all with a grain of salt. I think I based Aomine's stripping scene off of some youtube clips of Channing Tatum in Magic Mike lol and that's about it. 
> 
> Thanks to [Fish](http://buyavowel.tumblr.com/) for the beta. Any other errors are mine and mine alone.

There is no real traumatic or emotionally stimulating reason that Kagami is a stripper. His family isn't in debt to the yakuza, he's not jilted over anyone nor is he specifically traumatized  physically or mentally. The sad truth is, his basketball scholarship barely covered his tuition and unfortunately, unlike the semi-pro league and its annual tryouts, student loans wait for no man.

He needed money, and he needed it fast.

Besides, his job options were either this, hosting, or some kind of job in the food service industry and with his stomach's sensitivity to alcohol as well as the limited job experience he did have, the other two options were out from the get go.

It's not exactly his dream job, but he could have it far, far worse. Stripping's pretty straight forward: you take your clothes off, dance a little, money gets thrown at you--the end. If anything, the only real drawbacks about his job ARE his coworkers, who he's realized through repeated exposure are kind of insane and mentally fifteen and not above throwing shoes at each other. Oh and his boss is kind of a megalomaniac and simultaneously maternal.

...So there's that.

But crazy coworkers he can deal with, a nosy boss he can deal with, he's gotten used to the fact that one of the two bouncers at the door in charge of his safety on occasion tends to nap instead of doing his job, he can deal with the fact one of his co-workers has a stalker who he both harasses and dotes over, and he can deal with the fact another of his co-workers is a heartbeat from stalking his **_OWN_** roommate. And he's not even going to get into it about Hanamiya.

Kagami's sadly gotten **_USED_**   to the collective weird that is his coworkers and kind of friends. They're not so bad really...ish. Mostly. They mean well. It was just a job, these things happen, hazards of the trade and all that. Instead of wearing a suit and tie, working nine to five, Kagami and his coworkers disrobe and dance from five to two. In a way, he actually starts to make peace with himself and his lot in life even when it comes down to the fact that twice a day he helps one dude strap himself into platform heels while helping another coat his body in glitter.

Of course this was all before Aomine Daiki decided to make Kagami's life all the more complicated.

\---------------------------------

Aomine later claims that he was flirting, Kagami champions that it was harassment that eventually wore him down.

Kuroko translates it as Aomine wearing Kagami down with his presence. It's Aomine's form of flirting.  

\---------------------------------

All of them have themes, which they seldom stray from because then Akashi gets kind of tetchy and annoyed and thereby you somehow end up running laps around the damn club even though you're not even in high school anymore.

Kagami's a fireman, Kise's is either him as an idol or a painter (Kagami's never really bothered asking why it's either of those two if only because he's kind of afraid of the answer), Takao's always a nurse (they're not even that kind of club, but Takao's always a nurse and he's always in heels and stockings), Himuro does something with military uniforms (it's really just an excuse for him to wear short shorts and lace up knee-highs), Hanamiya has some kind of spider theme, and then there's Aomine with his cop routine.

They alternate days, and Akashi is usually in charge of scheduling but for reasons that mystify Kagami even with the supposedly 'random' sequence, his set days always coincide with Kise and Takao's. He has a sneaking suspicion they both begged Akashi for it if only because Kagami's kind of a pushover and the most likely to help them out with the least amount of resistance. At this point, he's not even shocked that he knows Takao's shoe size, or that he could probably snap him into garters blindfolded. And that doesn't even top the time Kagami helped Kise into a tear away one suit so tight, at the end of it all he felt like he'd somehow reached second base with someone he wasn't even dating.

Ordering is simple, Takao and Kise usually switch off who goes first but Kagami is always, always last. Which is both fortunate and unfortunate. Usually he manages to get a little more than the two of them, which is good. What isn't though...is that since his set is last, although the people left are willing to blow the rest of their money on him, there's a smaller crowd...and because of that, HE is always guaranteed a front row seat.

"Aominecchi's there front and center again!" Kise reports Friday night, panting and covered in finger paint. Whatever cash isn't stuck onto him with sweat and paint is falling around him, Kagami doesn't bother to help him pick it up because even he has his limits. “He must love you."

Kagami continues adjusting his fireman suspenders and pointedly ignores him.  

Ever since Kagami's started working at KISEKI, Aomine's sat in on his shows at least once a week. Which was a little strange at first but is now actively infuriating since Aomine's apparently decided taunting him with his damn presence wasn’t enough and has decided to add harassment to the list.

He now knows from active experience that Aomine _**IS**_ a dick and he's got his heart set on being a dick ** _TO_** Kagami. At this point, the fact that they've only gotten into a handful of fistfights is only due to the fact that Akashi's instilled the fear of god and unemployment into them.

“Asshole better not make me give him a lap dance again. He was making fun of my technique last time." And there had been a night they'd almost started a fight on the damn floor if it wasn't for Kuroko. But unfortunately, Kagami's roommate isn’t there right now and so he'll have to be dealing with Aomine being an asshole and resisting the urge to punch the smirk off his face on his own.

"We have been doing this longer than you have." Kise says, and Kagami lets that slide if only because Kise is in a g-string and picking money up from the floor and even he can't make that look graceful.

"He's a jerk who likes messing with me." Kagami says before an guitar riff thunders onstage as he grabs his prop fireman's axe.

\-----------------------------------------

"God, you're so shitty at this." Just like last time, Aomine is bitching in his ear as he pulls Kagami forward with his suspenders. “Didn't you listen to anything I said? Move your hips more."

As if to prove his point Aomine slides his hands to Kagami's hips and all but shoves him further onto his lap. Kagami feels like head-butting him, probably would if there weren't too many witnesses. He kind of still wishes he had his fireman's helmet on if only so he could 'accidentally' bump Aomine's forehead. Hard.

"Fuck you, don't you have anything better to do?" He hisses, grinds with a little more force than necessary against Aomine's jeans. Kagami tries not to think about what would happen if they accidentally broke the chair when he grabs onto Aomine's shoulders.

Aomine smiles vividly, teeth bright and sharp against the strobe lights. Kagami hates this guy so much, it's kind of amazing.

"Nowhere else I'd rather be." Voice low and rough, not even the slightest bit tired from the way he's been bitching about Kagami's moves and ordering him around. He makes sure to give Kagami's ass another squeeze, Kagami 'accidentally' steps on his foot with the full force of his work boots.

\------------------------------------------

Kagami is of the belief that Takao is probably going to get murdered on stage.

Or dragged off and turned into furniture.

Or both. Probably both, one day Akashi is going to open the door and they'll shuffle inside and they will find a lamp and it will literally have Takao's face on it.  Every single time he brings up his concerns to the two bouncers at the door, Teppei and Murasakibara both have the same reaction.

Murasakibara continues to eat (today's snack is a pack of pretz) almost blearily, like he wasn't sleeping backstage. Teppei laughs off Kagami's grounded fears with the same sunny, paternal laugh that sounds like it belongs to someone with a family of four far, far away from here and not a twenty something ex-basketball player.

"He'll be fine, Midorima's Takao's patron!" Teppei says, never mind that this isn't a brothel in Edo long ago, never mind that they aren't prostitutes, never mind that Midorima always comes in and watches Takao's sets with a stony expression. Kagami's seen serial killers on crime shows back in America watch their prey the exact same way. It doesn't help that Midorima always looks more than vaguely pissed off at the whole affair so Kagami doesn't even know WHY he shows up time after time, show after show.

"He looks like he wants to KILL him." Kagami really thinks that this is open and shut, that not even twenty feet away, Midorima is sitting dead set in the middle of the floor by himself, some kind of plush hamster in his hand should be the **_OBVIOUS_** sign. No one else is literally here yet besides them. Midorima just continues to glare at the stage as Kasamatsu, their sound guy, does a mike check and Izuki, their light technician,  fiddles with some of the bulbs on stage. He honestly looks like their presence morally offends him. Kagami feels for Takao, it's not even that he's not popular (because he is) and it's not like he doesn't have other regulars (he does, one of Akashi's friends Mibuchi shows up at a less frequent rate than Midorima) either, he just somehow acquired a stalker that is probably a serial killer.

"Yes, but the point is Midorima-kun's not going to kill Takao,” is all Teppei says instead of being appropriately concerned like a normal person, and then peering at the stuffed animal in Midorima's hand. "Today's lucky item was Hamtaro wasn't it? Takao'll be so touched."

"Taka-chin's gonna be so happy." Murasakibara agrees, snapping into another pretz stick. Once again Kagami squashes down the reservations he gets when he remembers that these two people are in charge of his wellbeing.

"You just don't understand. Kagami, you missed out on a lot of things growing up overseas." Teppei looks like he's about a heartbeat away from petting Kagami's head and assuring him that he'll grow up to be a big boy too, so instead Kagami goes off to warn Takao once again, that his stalker is here and pointedly ask how good his judo throw is.

\---------------------------------------------

Kuroko Tetsuya is Kagami's roommate and a former high school classmate of his. Even though he's a kindergarten teacher and this is probably a violation of some sort with the PTA, it's not surprising that he tends to show up at KISEKI from time to time. Unfortunately, Kuroko is also a former middle school classmate of Aomine's and **_STILL_** his best friend.

So Kagami's not as surprised or disturbed as he should be when, on next Wednesday’s set, Kuroko is shoving bills down his fireman pants while Aomine hands Kuroko another.

"Really?" Kuroko doesn't even bother to look embarrassed, just pushes down the other bill.

"Aomine-kun has said he's improved your lap dance technique." He says, voice surprisingly loud over the drum solo of the song playing. Kagami scowls in Aomine's direction. "I'd like to experience it for myself."

"You heard the man," Aomine adds, looking far too pleased with himself. Kagami already knows he's going to demand a damn dance next, judging from the way he has another pile of bills in his hand. Aomine's smirk has fang.

"And why can't Kise do this?" Kise would love to give Kuroko a lap dance, hell, Kise would probably pay KUROKO for the lap dance.

Kise after all, for reasons that have yet to reveal themselves to Kagami, is hopelessly in love with Kuroko.

"I'm sure Kise-kun's technique is lovely, but I did just pay you." Kuroko looks far too conspiratory for Kagami's comfort.

Kagami resolves that no matter how much Kuroko can't actually cook and would probably starve and no matter how much Kuroko begs, he is NOT making anything for a week.

\---------------------------------------------

Kagami tries to file a complaint about Aomine.

Try being tentative because he'd rather just slug the asshole in the face and be done with it but apparently that's frowned upon and the last time the sheer amount of makeup that went into covering their black eyes and bruises was enough to make Kagami swear off fighting at work (Akashi looked entirely too eager to 'make it rain pink slips').

So instead Kagami tries to go the slightly more emasculating and civil route of filing a complaint with HR, but since there is no HR, he has to pretty much file his complaint with Akashi.

It goes as well as one could expect.

"We take inter-work place disputes very seriously." Akashi apparently doesn't, because he can't be bothered to look up from his computer. "But in this case, I'm not sure that this constitutes as such. Your anger aside, has Daiki actually done anything unseemly towards you?"

"HIs whole existence is unseemly."

"Those are your personal opinions, Taiga..."

"He keeps showing up to my sets--"

"--during work hours?"

"Well no, my sets are on different days." Akashi is in charge of scheduling, of course he knows, but Akashi obviously just wants him to acknowledge it.

"So he's paying admission and **_YOU_** as well as giving you advice off the clock of his own accord." Technically this is true but Kagami is not down with the phrasing.

He'd tell Akashi as much but he's too busy trying to bring up what else could count as harassment. "Unless Daiki intimidates you in some way--"

"--You're kidding right? I totally kicked his ass last time." Kagami doesn't even bother to hide the disbelief in his voice because the notion is so ridiculous he can't even.

"I fail to see the problem here then."

"He's harassing me."

"Is he? It sounds like he's paying to see your sets and giving you sorely needed advice on improvement. I fail to see how that's harassment,” Akashi says patiently and Kagami balks at how quickly and systematically Akashi just shut him down.

"What do you mean, improvement? It's not like Aomine is better than me--"

"Taiga...have you actually ever  ** _BEEN_** to one of Daiki's shows?" Akashi interjects, finally turning away from the computer screen to raise what Kagami sees as a judgmental eyebrow at him. "You do understand he's our top earner for a reason."

"I thought I was the top earner?" The look Akashi gives him would be rude on other people, it's strangely brilliant how easy he can make belittling someone.

"You all do very well for yourselves, make no mistake--there's a reason our club's popular." It chafes at Kagami how that sounds placating, but he ignores it. "However there is a reason that Daiki's sets are almost standing room only.”

"He can't be that popular, he's an asshole," Kagami argues, or valiantly tries to.

Akashi graciously ignores it and continues, "Why don't you go and see for yourself?"

Kagami would rather blind himself than give that douchebag the satisfaction of playing up to his ego, but he's not in the mood to deal with Akashi's wrath right now. Say what you will about him, but Kagami's got great survival instincts. Instead he just mumbles something that sounds vaguely non-committal and lets himself out.

He really should've just decked Aomine in the mouth and been done with it.

\--------------------------------------------------

In some ways, Kise's infatuation with Kuroko is both awe-inspiring and soul-crushing at the same time.

It is kind of hard to watch the guy get shot down over and over again. But at the same time, admittedly it appeals to Kagami's sense of schadenfreude. Kagami thinks that's probably how everyone feels since no one has yet to deter Kise from yet another polite if pointed put down. It's almost routine at this point. Kagami's starting to get the feeling that Kise probably has some kind of masochistic streak.

Objectively speaking, it’s kind of sweet in a very surreal way, that Kise is so amazingly hung up over Kuroko when Kagami's seen the many, many good looking and very wealthy men that practically throw themselves at his feet every time he takes stage.

Kise's not exactly starving for prospective dating partners, but with his obsession with Kuroko it sometimes feels like it. Although Kagami doesn't even really understand why Kuroko shoots Kise down since he's pretty sure Kuroko does not in fact dislike Kise at all. If anything, the way Kuroko sometimes asks about Kise, at home, away from KISEKI, shows that he is anything but.

Getting his roommate to admit it though is an exercise in futility.

"You sure you don't want to take up Kise on his offer?" Kagami asks once again from where he's mixing up batter for pancakes in the kitchen. Across the counter, at the dining room table, Kuroko continues to grade papers for next week's lesson plans. Last night Kuroko shot down Kise in such a vivid manner, Kagami almost saw flames.

And yet Kuroko just asked when Kise's next set was.

"I don't understand what you're talking about Kagami-kun." Kuroko remarks genially, and Kagami would believe it if he didn't actually KNOW Kuroko.

"Yesterday, he offered to take you out for dinner, you said 'no' because you had some papers to grade but you're doing them now." Kagami points out, whisking quicker than needed, "and I know Golden Week’s coming up so you can't have **_THAT_** much to do."

"I'm not sure what you're implying." Kuroko replies just shy of airily, reaching for another stack of papers. Kagami knows that it's for show because he helped grade THAT stack earlier.

"Do you like him or not? Because I can't ever really tell with you." Kagami demands, going for direct, "if you don't like him at all, why not just explain it to him.  Kise's not that bad a guy." And it's true, he isn't that horrible as a person, it'll probably break his heart but if Kuroko's not feeling it there's probably no point.

"I never said I wasn't interested in Kise-kun." Kuroko interjects looking up from his grading, like it's all so simple to him, "I just don't feel like going out with him."

"Then **_TELL_** him that so he can move on." Kagami puts the bowl down to stare disapprovingly over the counter, Kuroko just returns his gaze back.

"Why?" Kuroko asks.

"What do you mean 'WHY'? So he can date someone else." Kagami is really feeling a migraine make its way to him, this always happens whenever Kise comes up in discussion. At this point, he's starting to think it's going to be linked into his subconscious.  

"I don't want that Kagami-kun, I'm interested. Why would I want him to date someone else?" Kuroko returns factually.

"You're not even **_DATING_** now." Kagami says, almost frantic.

"Exactly." Kuroko nods approvingly, like he isn't trying to drive Kagami slowly insane.

"That doesn't even make sense, if you like him go **_TELL_** him already if you want to date him." At this rate, Kagami is going to burn Kuroko's breakfast in the spirit of being vindictive.  

"I'd rather not."

"Then I'll tell him."

"You do and I'll tell Aomine-kun that he's more than welcome to live here after all." Kuroko says, going back to his grading fully aware and comfortable in the magnitude of his threat.

At the end of the day, Kuroko is above all else a soulless bastard and no one ever believes Kagami but it is **_SO_** true. True to form, Kagami burns Kuroko's breakfast, lunch, and only doesn't burn their dinner because Kuroko threatens to cook.

Frustration over Kuroko and his life choices is not enough for him to risk food poisoning. Again.

\---------------------------------------------------

Kagami knows in theory he shouldn't be surprised.

In theory, Kagami is aware that while Teppei is older than him, he's not THAT much older despite the fact he's constantly channeling a father from a sitcom. Teppei is technically still in his twenties and of course would have an active libido.

It still feels like a little too much like walking in on his parents however,  and he actually has to close his eyes. It's still not enough to unsee the sight.

Teppei crowding Akashi's second-in-command, Hyuuga, against the supply closet wall. They're not wearing pants or underwear and Teppei didn't even bother to unbutton Hyuuga's shirt all the way and why, why is this even happening to him. Not like it's not bad enough that he barely catches Himuro and Murasakibara in traumatizing positions but now it's Teppei.

 **TEPPEI**.

And it doesn't help that it’s Hyuuga of all people, Hyuuga who runs everything under Akashi's looming and, for lack of a better term, mothers them. Kagami refuses to make the connections, he's actually sure he's traumatized.

He is pretty sure he now knows why his coworkers make all the damn ‘tree’ comments about Teppei because if Kagami has actually seen his dick (which he didn’t oh my god he didn’t) then **_DAMN_**.

Kagami is saved from further mental scarring however when he realizes there are people behind him.

"It's our turn in the closet, just come already Hyuu-chin." Murasakibara whines behind him and Kagami is turning on his feet and he doesn't care if he stumbles over spare shit in the hall. He is not opening his eyes till he is in the safety of the dressing room. Kagami is more than fairly sure Murasakibara has Himuro with him but he doesn't actually want the visible confirmation that he's right.

The last thing he needs is concrete proof that not only does his surrogate parental figures use the supply closet as a love hotel but that they take turns with his older brother figure from childhood.

The most frightening discovery Kagami has made of all of this is that none of the bouncers in this damn strip club are actually doing their damn job since they’re too busy hooking up like teenagers.

For once and just this once, Kagami is almost relieved to have to deal with Aomine's heckling that night if only because it provides a brilliant distraction.

\---------------------------------------------------

Kagami is helping Takao into some terrifying heels. Kagami's not even sure they made dominatrix heels in men's sizes but apparently where there's a will there's a way.

Takao is trying to pin his nurse's hat to his head and Kagami doesn't even have to glance outside to know exactly who it's for. Absently Kagami wonders what kind of weird thing Takao's stalker is going to bring with him this time.

"I still don't know why you're so nice to that guy." At this point Kagami is hoping if he repeats this enough, one day Takao will realize the grave peril he is actually in.

"Don't be rude, Shin-chan and I go way back, we used to be on the same basketball team in high school." Kagami finishes zipping up the boot's shiny, shiny vinyl and steps back. Takao bends over to finish snapping his garters in.

"Right." Picturing Takao and his stalker playing basketball isn't exactly as hilarious as it is mystifying.

"Anyways, Shin-chan's sweet. He's in love with me and wants to 'save me' from a life of stripping." Takao continues diplomatically, like he couldn't see Kagami's expression in the mirror.

There's so much that doesn't make sense in that sentence, and Kagami would say as much but all he manages is "How?"

"Easy, Shin-chan's always been a fan of the zettai ryoki--that's our how. At this rate, I'll have enough for us to start a nest egg."

Kagami is considering just leaving Takao to his future aspiration of being Midorima's victim.

\--------------------------------------------------

"I thought you said my lap dance was fine--"

"--Still could use some work."

"Eat a dick."

"Would probably be better at it than you are."

At this point, Kagami is getting more than a bit desperate, especially since Aomine has been getting increasingly handsy as of late. It's telling how used to Aomine's jeering and touching he's getting to be. Tonight, like always, Aomine's got his hands inside Kagami's pants, and Kagami is more than sure that this isn't technically allowed.

Aomine just shoves another bill down and smirks.

"I'm waiting, Taiga."

Kagami only doesn't ball tap him if only because he knows Akashi's somewhere lurking around.

\--------------------------------------------------

Himuro is the closest Kagami has to an older brother figure, which is unfortunate, since they both work together. Because of said career however, seeking advice from said older brother figure is increasingly awkward. Especially considering the many varied and storied compromising positions that Kagami keeps catching him and Murasakibara in. The worst part though is the obvious lies that Himuro feeds him every time.

"Atsushi was just helping me stretch--"

"--You already used that one last week. Why would you both need your pants down to stretch anyways?"

"That doesn't make it any less true Taiga. Our pants were in the way."

"I'm not twelve anymore, I know what sex is."

"And that's great, IF we had been having sex."

For the sake of his sanity and to retain the last shreds of his respect for Himuro, Kagami just drops it. Besides, he's got more pressing issues at hand here.

"Aomine is harassing me." Because Himuro is probably the only person here with sanity besides him. "I can't get him to _**STOP**_ touching me."

And it's been getting worse if that was even possible. Last night the bastard actually slid his hands inside Kagami's coat and snapped his suspenders. Which hurt. Which Aomine knew from the way he was smirking.

The **_FUCKER_**.

"Isn't that nice? You've got his interest." Himuro replies, completely unaffected and crushing Kagami and his feverent hopes that Himuro was the only voice of reason,

"Raise your rates so he'll have to pay more. Make him work for it Taiga."

-"Oh my god, are you even ** _LISTENING_** to me?" Kagami is actually unable to deal with how many levels he feels betrayed.

"If it helps, I don't really approve of him." Himuro concludes, smile dazzling and sadistic in equal measures. "But whatever makes you happy."

"You're doing this on purpose aren't you? I cockblocked you, didn't I?"

"Now, now, that'd be petty and absolutely untrue as once again, we were not having sex."

"I can't believe this, I thought you of all people knew me--"

"--No need to be dramatic, it's because I know you so well that I'm wishing you luck." Himuro gestures to his boots, which Kagami is not even going to think about why they're completely unlaced despite the zippers on the sides, or the fact the laces are out of the boots, or just everything about this whole experience. "Help me get these back on."

\--------------------------------------------------

Kagami is truly getting desperate. This is the ** _ONLY_ ** reason he's even bothering. He even brings some expensive snacks with him, hands them over and hopes for the best.

"Ao-chin can't be a security threat, he works here."

Of-fucking-course, a hobo could run inside and gut him on stage and Murasakibara would probably just blink myopically.

\---------------------------------------------------

"Ok your hands don't have to touch my junk--"

"Believe me, it's a compliment."

The only reason Kagami doesn't deck Aomine on the spot, damn his job security or even Kuroko's judgment--is because his arms are stuck in the sleeves of his coat. Aomine just gives him another absolutely filthy smirk and dips his hands lower into Kagami's pants and tucks another bill into his underwear.

The asshole knows exactly what he was doing.

\--------------------------------------------------

"It's pretty sad that you have to turn to ME to save you Kagami-kun." Kuroko can judge from his high horse all he wants, but Kagami is reaching the end of his rope. No  one seems to want to help in his campaign to avoid Aomine or at the very least get him to go the fuck away already because he is such an asshole. Which the latter everyone agrees with, it's universally accepted Aomine's a dick but since he's been so focused on KAGAMI, all their coworkers seem content to maintain the status quo.

The traitors.

"He's the WORST." Kuroko just nods sympathetically as he continues to go over lesson plans for the next week. Kuroko has yet to look up from where Kagami's collapsed on the other side of the couch. He's off for the next two days, but it doesn't help that Aomine's going to show up unexpectedly like he always fucking does when Kagami and Kuroko are off.

Last time the asshole barged in on Kagami in the shower and had the nerve to laugh at the way Kagami yelped when Aomine pulled back the curtains--not that he even explained WHY he did that either.

"Do you honestly hate Aomine-kun that much?" Kuroko asks, eyes still on his notepad, making notes in the margins.  

"I don't know, he's just so annoying and he's such an asshat and for some reason, he's an asshat to ME." Kagami has a strange feeling he's missing another question that Kuroko's asking but doesn't know what it actually is. “We just don't get along so I don't know why he keeps harassing me during off-hours when he doesn't even need to be BE there."

"So, you don't hate Aomine-kun as much as you say you do." Again with that voice like Kagami's missing the point completely. "But you don't like him either?"

"He was alright before he opened his mouth." Which ok, Kagami will admit, Aomine when he's not actually talking or being Aomine, was bearable if only because he was only ever seen and not heard. Or touching Kagami. Or teasing Kagami. The brief blessed seconds when he first joined this job when Akashi made the rounds and Aomine had actually been behaving. "He always starts fights with me though, even did it right after I MET him."

Kuroko makes a 'hmm' noise but finally glances up from his pad, looks almost pleased.

"You did throw the first punch Kagami-kun." Kuroko reminds, casually leaving the couch and completely unhelpful for the rest of the night.

He does finally cave and give Kagami some advice after Kagami serves him dinner. Kuroko wipes delicately at the corner of his mouth with a napkin, places down his chopsticks and announces: "I used to stick popsicles down the back of his shirts when he was being ornery."

It's not exactly useful, but the sentiment is appreciated.

Kagami still files it away as a possible contingency plan...just in case.

\--------------------------------------------------

"Aren't you going to defend my honor?" Kagami rages, because Aomine just accosted him publicly to the cheers of thirty paying patrons and he's more than positive that Himuro didn't actually SEE any of it since he's currently brushing umaibou crumbs out of his hair, not even bothering to hide his new bite-marks on his neck. Kagami is actually not sure how much longer he can take the increased attention Aomine's been giving him...and his ass. The guy has honestly taken to touching way more than necessary.

"Taiga, you have five inches on me. You really don't need **_ME_** of all people to defend your honor." Himuro says, adjusting his sailor uniform with aplomb. He's supposedly up next but judging from the state of his clothing, he doesn't even seem to actually care about presentation. At least he's got most of his buttons correct, not that many of the people waiting in the crowd notice. Or care really.

"...Some older brother you are." The accusation doesn't even make Himuro bat an eye.

"I love you too."

\--------------------------------------------------

This is all Kuroko's fault.

Just sit in on one of Aomine-kun's sets, it's not going to kill you Kagami-kun. He says and doesn't even give Kagami the option of arguing out of it because they both know he's only going to go play basketball on his night off and he's got no real standing plans. Kagami would protest more but then Kuroko started using the words 'unfair',  'best friend’, and the dreaded 'why can't you two just get along’. There was really nothing Kagami could actually say to that so here he is.

Akashi wasn't kidding, the place is packed and the stage is barely visible. Kuroko's got sharp elbows however, and he's remarkably strong so they get good enough places near the wall.

Not that Kagami cares about actually seeing it.

Something he keeps reminding Kuroko because isn't it enough he actually paid money to see this asshole on his day off. Kuroko just keeps shushing him and nudging him in front.

The music starts and the lights dim. Kagami expects to see a shit show. Aomine's so full of it, he probably can't even dance, will just stumble around stage.

Honestly it's going to be a train wreck.

Kagami settles against the wall and waits.

\--------------------------------------------------

It's not a train wreck.

Far from it.

From the minute Aomine steps out on the stage and actually begins dancing along with the music, Kagami is filled with a horrifying realization.

It only increases as Aomine starts swaying his hips to the beat and idly Kagami recognizes the song but he can't actually look away from Aomine or think about anything besides the way he's moving and how tight those pants are.

It gets so much worse when Aomine lowers down to actually grind against the stage and there's so many people clambering around the stage and women shouting but Aomine just keeps rolling down and Kagami feels his throat dry. He swallows as Aomine gets up and thrusts his groin at the crowd, looking far too full of himself than should actually be allowed.

There's another loud scream from the crowd and Aomine drops to his knees in one fluid motion. Kagami feels all the blood in his body rushing south.

Had Aomine always been that flexible?

 _Holyyyyyyy fuck_.

"Oh no, he's hot." Kagami announces, equal parts aroused and dejected. He turns just in time to the see the tail-end of Kuroko's smirk. Which is not on, why did Aomine of all people have to be so hot, this isn't fair. "KUROKO YOU BASTARD, STOP LAUGHING."

"Aomine-kun is so lucky." Kuroko comments, still far too amused than he should be at what could be described as the worst thing to ever happen to Kagami.

Ever.

Onstage Aomine peels his shirt off easily, the club lights glistening off his six pack. He throws back his head and the way he presents his neck makes Kagami think of biting. Aomine raises his head and Kagami immediately lowers his making sure NOT to make eye contact.

Kagami does his best to try and blend with the crowd because the last thing he needs is Aomine to realize he's here while Kagami goes into an existential crisis over realizing that Aomine is actually kind of really fuckable and really very much his type.

He really should leave, do something because what if Aomine goes into the crowd and recognizes him and that's all he'll need--Aomine's stupid ego to get fucking bigger. Instead of moving though Kagami can't bring himself to stop watching the way Aomine is sliding his hands down his abs and hating how he's wondering what exactly that skin would feel like.

He realizes later, he knows exactly what those hands feel like on his bare chest from weeks of exposure.

All in all, Kagami spends the night without sleep and makes sure to take two consecutive cold showers.

\--------------------------------------------------

Even though Kagami **_KNOWS_** that Aomine didn't see him, doesn't think that Kuroko told him about what happened--Aomine is surprisingly absent from the next night that Kagami performs. Not that he minds or anything.

If anything he's relieved, he's still not sure what to even say or do now that he can't stop thinking about how Aomine's touch feels on his body. Really, he should be happy.

He is happy and not at all disappointed, no matter what anyone says.

\--------------------------------------------------

Kise is wearing Kuroko's t-shirt even though it's two sizes too small.

Kagami wishes he could unsee the sight.

"...I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be the other way around."

Kise just spins on his heel completely at ease in Kuroko and Kagami's apartment and waves, radiating cheer and contentment. He limps forward and Kagami is not going to even think about the implication there. He's more than fairly certain when he got home last night, Kise wasn't here nor was there any ties on the door or anything to indicate that Kuroko was even going to be having company.

To be fair, Kuroko probably hadn't been home either--he had been pretty vague on his plans, just said he'd be out getting dinner with a friend and Kagami was more than ecstatic to just spend the night catching up to all his favorite basketball teams' games lately and not think about anything or anyone at all.

It probably doesn't help Kagami's mood that he's barely had any sleep. The dreams where Aomine's pining him to the stage just wearing his tight police uniform pants while he feels Kagami up are just making him equal parts agitated and horny and he's starting to equate those feelings to Aomine's very presence now. After all, it's only been a week since Kagami made the horrible revelation about Aomine and his very bitable shoulders.

And thighs.

And everything really.

It's actually earth-shattering how infuriating the realization that Aomine is devastatingly attractive is and the adverse effect it's had on his state of mental health.

"Ah, Kagami-kun good morning." Kuroko greets, exiting his bedroom and thankfully wearing his own shirt and boxers. He is completely blasé about the fact Kise's in their kitchen and wearing his clothes and currently wobbling over to drape himself over him.

"Do I want to know?" Kagami is going to need so much caffeine right now, probably enough to kill him.

"I thought you'd be pleased with this development." Kuroko moves to the coffee maker, completely at ease with the waves of pure affection Kise is channeling ON him.

"You were the most vocal supporter of Kise-kun and I after all."

"I guess." Kagami says, for lack of anything else really.

"Don't look so down Kagamicchi, Akashicchi said I can have the rest of the day off and Aominecchi is totally going to your set this time!" Kagami actually starts choking on air. Because what the hell.

"What? Why would I CARE? Fuck that guy!" He spits, because the world has gone crazy around him, what is even happening anymore.

Kuroko and Kise actually pause and share a glance before looking back at him. Kagami, once again, gets the annoying feeling he's missing something.

"Oh Kagamicchi..."

"And here I thought you two were finally making progress." Kuroko concludes with a sigh, handing Kagami's mug over with something like disappointment.

"Wait, what?" Kagami all but chugs a fortifying sip, hoping that the extra caffeine would actually help him understand what Kise and Kuroko were implying. Kuroko just sighs louder again. "I don't even know why that asshole keeps coming to my shows, Aomine's an asshole. Whatever.”

"Kagami-kun, why do YOU think Aomine would want to help you with your routine or pay to see you perform it?"

"If I knew I wouldn't fucking ask."

"Kagamicchi...are...are you kidding?"

The fact that KISE of all people is giving Kagami a pitying look is just something that he won't stand for.

"What?" Kagami demands, irritation rising, "look, if you're just going to say something, just say it already."

It's actually eerie how both Kuroko and Kise are able to channel the same air of exasperation.

"The direct approach is what suits you best--I did tell Aomine-kun that." Kuroko says afterwards with a note of finality, tone wry. “It’s really his own fault."

Kise just nods along, sympathetic and Kagami does not at all focus on the bright small spark of something in his belly at the idea of sitting back on Aomine's lap, his hands wandering under his clothes to the crackle of loud American pop music.

Kagami needs caffeine.

Like all the caffeine in the damn apartment.

\---------------------------------------------------

Kagami doesn't have much time to actually think about what that morning even meant besides the fact he all but ran to go play some street ball and then to work because he's nothing if not a good friend. Even if Kuroko and Kise still seemed like they were expecting something more from him and didn't explain what it was.

All that leaves Kagami's mind however, when he finally finishes putting his spare clothes in the dressing room and sees a crowd gathered around the double doors leading outside to the front.

What he sees, Takao being confronted by his stone-faced stalker, who has some kind of weird demonic looking figure in his hand seems pretty open and shut. Takao's facing away from them, but Kagami knows this set-up, seen it way too many times on the movies back home. Actually he's more than a little offended how no one is doing anything because Takao is clearly in danger, he's in perfect range to be stabbed and his fellow co-workers are just watching. He expects this shit from Hanamiya but even ** _TEPPEI AND MURASAKIBARA_** are just standing here and their entire ** _JOB_** is based on **_PROTECTING_** them (and throwing out handsy customers).

Takao is going to be stabbed in front of KISEKI and they're all going to be witnesses and why isn't anyone MOVING?

"Read the air, BAKAgami, Takao's not going to get stabbed." Aomine snorts, nudging him a little so he can get a better view, it probably doesn't help that they're the same height. Kagami tries not to think about how very much aware he is of his proximity, the feeling of him leaning against his back. He'll have time to worry later about the fact he's far too used to Aomine's casual touching to even be surprised anymore, or the fact Aomine just came out of fucking nowhere just to lean on him.

"...At least not with a knife." Himuro murmurs and Kagami tries valiantly to ignore the implication of _**THAT**_.

"You guys, Midorima just lunged at him--we need to _**DO**_ something." It's a sad, sad state of affairs he has to be the voice of reason to his own boss. Akashi, unphased just turns from the scene and announces, "Let Kazunari know he can have the weekend off, we'll just open later than usual."

"He's not going to need any weekends off if Midorima stabs--" All the words die in Kagami's throat when he looks back in time to see Midorima kissing Takao.

He can see tongue. And enthusiasm. He quickly backs away to give them space...while he's alright with helping Takao into women's dresses this is just a bit too much for him.

What the hell was that about?

"Told you." Teppei laughs, even though no he really didn't and Kagami still actually has no idea what just happened and has a sinking feeling no one will actually explain it to him.

He's right, no one does.

\---------------------------------------------------

What happens is this.

Kagami is halfway into his fireman's pants when he looks up and sees Aomine in his (hot as hell, damn HIM) cop outfit in the mirror and actually screams.

He also throws his helmet at him and Aomine barely dodges in time.

"WHAT THE HELL, KAGAMI." Like the fucker didn't just give Kagami the fright of his life.

"I COULD ASK YOU THE SAME." Kagami rages because it's Aomine, Aomine who's been this constant pain in his side until he wasn't and then he was still somehow and now Aomine is just stomping over like everything's fine except no, no it's not because the last time Kagami saw him in that outfit he was in his shower and biting on his knuckles and feeling like he was in high school all over again.

That was last night.

Right here, right now, the real Aomine is in his space and Kagami is hyper-sensitive to everything, it's like earlier but so much worse because it's just **_THEM_** in the dressing room somehow and Kagami's not sure what is going to happen, if he's going to just finally give in and actually punch Aomine's face in like he'd wanted to previously, or kiss him or maybe even blow him because Aomine's kind of messed him up and he's still not sure why.

It's just, he's just.

Aomine leans closer than before and Kagami is more than aware he's flushing and it's fucking AOMINE of all people. Kagami's heart is pounding a mile a minute and he's pretty sure Aomine can hear it only when he looks up Aomine is staring at him and Kagami's not sure what to do, he's never had someone look at him so intensely before.

Except, he has.

Aomine's always fucking looking at him like this, even when he's talking shit and redirecting his hips and going overboard with the touching and suddenly it's like everything clicks in Kagami's mind.

It's so fucking simple that he can't believe he missed it earlier.

"Half the time I feel like punching you in the face, you're annoying, you're pushy as hell, and you're such a RAGING dick sometimes..." Kagami needs to say it, he needs to get it out and he's kind of rambling but he needs it out of the way, Aomine is starting to look pissed and a little hurt but Kagami makes sure to grab onto his wrist, because it's this, this is the most important part of all this. “But I think you're hot and maybe I'm starting to realize that you really like me and you help me out even though you're still a dick and I'm starting to realize I like you too and it's not like you know, LOVE or anything but it's going to get there and it probably doesn't mean much but I really, really want to you to fuck me or blow you or we can take turns or something because my mind is kind of starting to get a little bit obsessed with you but I can't do just casual sex that's really not my style so maybe we could date or something."

Aomine goes silent for a few minutes, and his expression is suddenly unreadable and Kagami can't help but think he blew this after all, why didn't he just get it earlier, why didn't he--

"Took you fucking long enough," Aomine manages after a beat, but he looks...relieved and it's a weird look on him but it's kind of cute and he's easily wrapping his arms around Kagami's waist, like he's always fucking been doing, but it feels so natural, good, great even. "It was so fucking obvious--everyone could fucking see it. And it was **_YOU_** of all people, some newcomer who can't actually dance to save his damn life--"

"--HEY--"

"--But was still cute, eager to learn, plays basketball, and was so much of my fucking type that I didn't stand a chance." Aomine finishes, looking far too smug than he really should have but he's breathing Kagami's air, holding him close and maybe Kagami's kind of ok with all of this. “You better fucking get it now Kagami, I literally can’t make this anymore obvious besides announcing it on the damn loudspeakers."

"Next time, just fucking tell me." Kagami mutters and Aomine rolls his eyes before actually giving him a kiss that's equal parts finally, filthy, and just so, so, good.

Kagami is instantly assured he's made the right choice here.

\---------------------------------------------------

Kuroko has two 5000 yen bills in his hands when he shows up again at Kagami and Aomine's set.

"You're kidding right? We will crushyou." Kagami argues, and this is so awkward and why is Aomine and Kuroko's friendship so weird and--

Aomine takes the seat next to Kuroko.

"We don't have all day." He pats his thigh and Kuroko makes a noise of agreement.

"Are you serious."

"Why mess with tradition Kagami-kun, Aomine-kun and I are waiting. This is part of your set."

\---------------------------------------------------

Somethings, Kagami realizes, never actually change.

Even if he and Aomine are now dating.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> The working title for this was actually 'magic mike au' even thought there's probably nothing in line with the actual movie ahaha wow I'm story. Title is from Ke$ha's 'Gold Trans AM' which is my mental head-canon of what Aomine strips to because Ke$ha and because AOMINE. Comments and criticisms are always welcomed.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Pony](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2297534) by [ohhotlamb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohhotlamb/pseuds/ohhotlamb)




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